Military Weapons
by Wannabe-Fantasy
Summary: NOW NOT A ONE SHOT Damon and Stefan have not taken the news of the Cullen's very well at all. Very OOC! Random and funny, includes mention of finger snapping. Yeah, I know. Damon went there. Yes, he did.
1. Chapter 1

**This is what happens when your extremely tired and on a high from Easter Eggs and Vampire Diaries repeats.**

**Now, don't get me wrong- I seriously LOVE Twilight. But I don't like Bella and recently discovered, that although I'm Fangs over Fur, I am Team Jacob. Yes, yes. I know. That's exactly how I felt when I discovered this too. And that's how everyone else looked, since I discovered it and yelled it out in the middle of Sainsbury's. I'm sure it brightened up their day though.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with the Vampire Diaries or Twilight, beacuse if I did, I would be a busy, busy girl. **

**I know what you're all thinking and I didn't mean it like that, you perverts. Hang your head in shame. Or review. :D**

* * *

"OH NO HE DI-N'T!!"

"Like, every girl has the right to be ugly, but your girl abuses the privledge!"

"OH, OH YES, HE DI-ID!" Stefan crowed, high-fiving Damon.

"Hell yes, I went there. Mmm-hmmm," agreed Damon, snapping his fingers in a Z sequence.

"So let's get this straight-which btw I don't think you are,"- "Oh, the BURN!"- "Thank you, Stefan. Anyway, like I was saying, dude, get the frii-ack out of our forest. You got me?"

"Oh, oh, oh- NO. Hush now," Stefan whisper-yelled.

"Oh, NICE, my brother!" Damon whistled.

"Oh, we got this, Dai. We are take the sparkles right outta that guys-"

"What in the name of Godzilla are you two doing????"

The two criminally sexy Salvatore brothers whirled around, diverting their attention from the floor length, wall sized mirror to Elena Gilbert.

"Er, well, you see- I got nothing," Stefan sighed.

"I'll handle this, bro. You see, Elena, it has recently come to our attention that some ridiculous sparkling, mind raping- DID I MENTION THE SPARKLING?" Damon succumbed to angry, manly sobs while Stefan patted him on the back.

"What he's trying to say, Elena, is that no matter how hot or shiny this guy may be, he IS NOT taking our forest. Mm-mm-mm," Stefan hummed.

"Right, so you were doing what in the mirror, exactly?"

"Well, it has to be perfect of course. We figure that the mind-raping one will come with his 'wife' ," he broke off and giggled conspiratorally with Damon, " and we are gonna PWN those crazy mofo's!"

"Hell yeah we are!" Damon screeched, returning to life after a reviving glass of vodka and blood. You wouldn't think it would be nice but it really is. Got a bit of tang to it really.

"Um, ok guys. Well, I ran into Dr. Cullen when I was in town and invited them over this evening!"

"You did what? What did you do? Did you what? Oh, God, Stefan, I can't even _look _at her," Damon hissed, a look of agonising exasparation on his face.

Elena's eyes widened and she hastily retreated to the sanctuary of the vampire-free kitchen of the boarding house.

"YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN-"

"Damon, Damon, Damon."

"Stefan, Stefan Ste- nah, I'm bored with it already. What?"

"Don't you see? This is the perfect oppurtunity to destroy them!"

"I like your thinking, little brother. You get the Bambi blood, I'll get the.... the, um the other stuff?"

"You mean the military weapons, incase plan A goes wrong?"

"Of course."

* * *

**Ok, that's it. Hope you had a giggle at it!**

**Please review!**

**Love from,**

**ME! :D**


	2. The Introductions

**So many people wanted this to be continued, so thank you so much for reviewing and bearing with me! I have alot of c-rap going on at the mo and your reviews make me feel so much better! **

**Check out my other story Volturi Lair!**

**Disclaimer: Do I own the Vampire Diaries? Do I? No, I don't you fools. Trying to trick me. **

**However, I do own A VAMPIRE DIARIES T-SHIRT! It ahs Damon and Stefan on it and asys what you don't know CAN hurt you. I know. I know. I lurve it.**

**REVIEW!**

"Muahahahahahahahahahahaha-"

"Am I interrupting something?" Elena stood with her arms crossed staring bewildered at the insanely hot Salvatore brothers, who were currently cackling at their reflections in the mirror.

"Actually, yes," Damon stated, irritated, "quite clearly, we are practicing our evil laughs for when we DESTROY THE CULLENS! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Ooooooh right. Ok then," Elena said, backing slowly towards the kitchen. "You boys have fun!"

"Oh, we will," Stefan said ominously and suddenly the camera (i don't know what camera, there's just a camera, ok? Good. Now, look you've distracted me.)

zoomed in, until Stefans very pretty face filled the screen. "We will."

A while later.............................................

"Ok, now I don't want you boys showing me up!" Elena fussed as she straightned Damon's tie. "Be on your best behaviour! No messing with their heads and I do not want a repeat of Thierry Descouedres' (A/N: Night World! Heart it!) visit! That was just mean and I don't even _want _to know how or where you got Uranium! It was just ridiculous what you did to that poor man- Damon! It was not funny! I don't appreciate you making a mockery of him!"

Stefan giggled while watching his older brother roll around the floor laughing. He looked over at Elena.

"Was pretty funny, though, right?" He grinned, gormlessly.

Elena slapped him round the head, "Enough! I don't want one thing to mess this up, do you undestand me? LISTEN to me! Both of you!"

"Ok! Ok!" the brothers whimpered. The bell rang through the house making Damon shiver. Elena scowled at him and went off to get the door.

"You can feel it, can't you? The mind rapist is RAPING!" Damon whisper-yelled.

"I'm scared Dai," Stefan whimpered.

"No, Stefan! Remember the plan! The plan," Damon hissed, looking half-mad. But still hot.

Elena's stiletto heel's could be heard clacking in the hallway along with several other footsteps.

"I'm so glad you could make it. It's so nice to see other families who are.... different around," Elena told Esme.

"Oh, please the pleasure was all ours!" Esme gushed.

Damon shivered.

"Stefan."

"Damon."

"Stefan."

"Damon!"

"Stefan!"

"EMMETT!"

"WHAT THE SMURF?" Stefan screeched.

"Sorry. I like to make an entrance," Emmett McCarty Cullen shrugged.

The smexxy Salvatore brothers moved closer together. (Ooooh. Ok, shut it! Enough of your filthy minds!)

"Emmett! Don't be so rude!" Rosalie Hale hissed.

"Yeah, Em. Hello, my name is.............................................................................................................................................................................................................

Edward Cullen."

"EVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!" Stefan was overcome with raw angst. (Ok, that's enough all of you. Go pray or something! I'll have to rewrite that bit.)

"EVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!" Stefan had slightly lost his marbles. (You just can't win with you people.)

"Oh my God," Elena muttered, "I'm terribly sorry. Stefan is a little........."

"Honessssssssssssst," Damon whispered hotly and menacingly.

"Oh, it's fine we get that alot," Dr. Carlisle Cullen laughed along with Alice and Esme.

Jasper stood there looking pretty. Which he did well. Rosalie was staring in a mirror until it cracked. Edward had one eyebrow raised and was being a little schizophrenic again. Bella was dead. Just accept and move on.

"Well, you two," Elena said awkwardly, "introduce yourselves!"

Damon stepped forward.

"Good evening. Damon Salvatore, pleasure to meet you. Your looking particularly handsome tonight, stud."

"NO Damon," Elena laughed, slightly on edge, " to the Cullen's, please, not your reflection."

"Oh." Damon turned away from the cracked mirror and faced the startled Cullens.

"Sup? Name's Damon. Don't wear it out, fool."

Stefan dandered forward also.

"Yo homies. Stefan here y'all. Believe dat."

The brothers both stepped back while Elena broke out in a sweat.

"Um, pleasure to meet you," Esme said.

"Very nice to meet you," Carlisle replied.

"Respect, man," Emmett rapped.

"Hey, pleasure to eat you," Jasper said.

"Omigod, hi, hi ,hi!" Alice sang.

"Humph," Rosalie muttered, glaring at the mirror.

"What if not the hero? What if I'm the bad guy?" Edward whispered.

Stefan and Damon just looked at him until suddenly a loud noise sounded making Elena fall over and everyone else have a mild heart attack. Yes, vampires can have heart attacks. Well, they can now, OK? God!

"Yeah OK?" Stefan yelled. "I have a rape whistle!"

"Oh, suck on that!" Damon yelled.

"Oh, dear sweet Lord," Elena looked like she might cry, "Er, shall we move to a more.... comfortable place?"

"Oh, of course," Esme said, while she and the rest of the shell-shocked Cullens followed her.

Damon and Stefan were left on their own.

The looked at each other and grinned. Evil and smexxy.

"Phase One begins," Stefan murmured while raising his perfect eyebrows.

"Yes, mon petit idiote of a sibling. It does."

Damon and Stefan both did their mucho impressive evil laughs into the mysterious camera again until they heard Elena shrieking.

"DAMON! STEFAN! GET IN HERE OR SO HELP ME GOD- YOUR SOMBERO'S WILL GET IT!"

**Wow, my baby one-shot is turning into a mini-story.**

**I'm so proud.**

**There will be more to come!**

**Review and put in suggestions for their evil yet hot plans?**

**I love you all. But not in a pervy way. Or is it...................................**

**No. It's not. Sorry.**


	3. Pathetic, feeble excuse

I'm so sorry.

This is just another pathetic excuse but I feel I owe you an explanation.

You all remeber my first excuse about my parents splitting up? Or maybe it wasn't on this story I told you. Well, you know now. Well, I'm moving out tomorrow with my mum and brother and it's killing me. I love my dad so much, and I love my mum, I don't know how I can be expected to choose between them.

Anyway I've been really busy with exams and packing, but about 3 days ago I reliased that I was going to have to leave my dad and I haven't been to.. stable since. I don't know if it affects everyone the same way or whatever but I haven't really stopped vrying- all I can say is I'm so glad I have the most amzing friends. And you guys! Everytime I see an alert or favourite or review, I swear it makes me so happy.

So thank you so so so so much you guys for not getting angry at me and thank you for your patience. This has just been a really hard time- like I always thought people were just being dramatic when they said that but hello karma!- for me and I appreciate you being so patient.

I promise I will try my best to get chapters for you. I don't care how hard it is to think of ideas, I'll do it.

And I KNOW that you don't need to know about my life or whatever, I just wanted to explain.

Love you!


	4. Oh, no he did not Oh yes, he did

**This chapter is dedicated to **Wildcat97

Hey everyone. I'm so so sorry and I deserve to be eaten by a vampire. I really am sorry. I hope you enjoy this!

Thank you so much for your amazing replies to my pathetic excuse!

Thank you so much to these amazing people, who still favourited, reviewed, replied and alerted my stories, even after my excuses:

**dbz rox**

**Valkyrie-ShapeShifter666**

**SwirlyL**

****

**Jazzii23**

**Chibi123ify**

**I am Bonnie Salvatore**

**KSVamp**

**theonewhoneversleeps**

**666vampirelover666**

**perrytwiligh**

**Hitsi-lover**

**IWantMyOwnJamonSalvlock**

**Ginnyandhermionerock**

**Wildcat97**

**Disclaimer: Although I own Volturi socks and a Vampire Diaries t-shirt, I do not, infact, own The Vampire Diaries, the Cullens, the song Low or a vampire-proof cage. Or poles. Or the date-rape drug. Yes. You should be scared.**

"I'm absolutely disgusted. I can't _believe_ she threatened the sombero's. That's just _sick_," Damon muttered as they hurried to the dining room.

"Yeah, well, she's your girlfriend, dude. Do something about it!" Stefan protested.

Damon looked at him, one eyebrow cocked (leave it. _not_ a word.). Sometimes, well most of the time, he seriously doubted his brothers sanity. It was the animal blood. He didn't care what Dr. Fang said. It just _wasn't _healthy.

"Stefan. Elena is _your _girlfriend. She is not mine. Not for lack of trying admittedly," Damon said.

"Huh? Oh yeah. My memory's a bit cloudy for some reason."

"Oh, dear God, Stefan! Tell me! Did the Mind Rapist offer you anything?"

"Oh, sure. It was like a white sweet, kind of smaller than a dime but still round."

"Oh. My. God. Did you _take_ it Stefan?"

"Sure!"

"Oh, dear sweet Caroline, Stefan he roofied you!"

Stefan collapsed.

Damon shrugged.

"Eh, what can you do?" He stepped over his somewhat drugged brother and dandered into the dining room. What he saw digusted him beyond belief.

There was some monstrosity sitting beside the Mind Rapist. It had a unibrow, a lazy eye and wiry, dry hair that was falling out as we speak. Write. You get the picture.

Not literally.

Shuddup.

_Anyway, _this thing had one huge top lip and a teeny tiny bottom lip. Buck teeth were also visible. Omi_god._ What was it? Wait he recognised her-

"Oh, Damon, so glad you could finally join us!" Elena hissed. "Bella was a little...tied up-"

Damon giggled. He _knew _that wire would hold her good.

"- but she's here now! Have you met Bella, Damon?"

Damon laughed his uber awesome evil laugh.

"We met briefly- but I'm afraid Bella had prior engagements- her hands were tied."

Elena raised her eyebrows. "Well, um, OK then. Oh, Damon, where's Stefan?"

Damon stepped back and shoved the door open to reveal a slightly more concious Stefan rolling around on the hallway floor.

"Oh, goodness! What happened?" Esme cried.

Damon hissed at the Mind Rapist. "My preciousss..."

"That's Lord of the Rings, bro," Stefan muttered.

"Shut up Stefan."

"Oh, I KNOW YOU DI-IDN'T-"

Edward chuckled.

Everything went quiet.

Stefan stood up, fell over and stood up again.

Damon turned around to face the Mind Rapist and did The Head Thing. You know. It's like, "Uh-uh, what?" and you like roll your head?

No?

Neither do I really.

But I digress. (What does that mean?)

"Oh-oh, homie. You did no-ot." Damon shook his head again.

He looked like a chicken having a fit.

A sexaaaaay chicken.

But still. A chicken.

Stefan clicked his fingers in the 'Z' formation. With sound effects. You know. "Mm-mm-MM."

Everyone does it. Don't they?

"Has you gots a problem, boi?" Stefan slurred.

"Yes. No. To get to the other side. Uh, 1.77245."

"Oh, good Gucci, he's giving us the square root of pi!" Damon hissed at Stefan.

"Pie! I like pie! Pie pie pie pie pie pie pie pie!" **(Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, people! Those crazzzzy...)**

"EMMETT!"

Elena just sat at the polished table, gazing around in despair as her well thought out dinner party went down the pan. Jasper was trying to bite through the skin on his wrists, Rosalie was making kissy faces at herself in the mirror, Emmett was still yelling about pie, Esme was re-designing the house, Edward was raping minds and Bella was making weird faces that made her look like a demented giraffe while whispering in a very unattractive voice, "Kissss meeee." Alice was upstairs taking pictures of everyone's clothes and Carlisle was contemplating what would happen after he died. Except he had gone about Exorcist-y. Head spinning, growly evil voice. You know.

Is that even in The Exorcist? Who knows?

Then to top it all off, the window imploded.

Esme and Elena screamed. Everyone else stopped what they were doing and stared at the 5ft 2" girl in the middle of the room. She had middle-back length light brown hair and blue eyes. She also had a little bit of a pointy nose. She stared back at everyone.

They kept staring.

So did she.

"Um. Is this Thierry Descoudres' place?"

"No."

"Oh." She crawled back through the window and left.

Now, _that _was an entrance, Damon thought.

"Yes, it was, wasn't it?" Edward laughed.

It went quiet again. Everyone just turned to look at Damon and Edward.

Stefan was rolling his head.

"Stefan?" Damon asked. "You know what to do."

Stefan laughed.

Elena shrugged. "Eh."

_**A HALF HOUR, SOME ROPE, A CD AND SOME EVIL LAUGHS LATER**_

"DANCE BITCH DANCE!"

Elena sighed while watching out the window. She sort of felt sorry for Edward.

They had locked him in a vampire- proof cage, while playing Low by Flo-Rida and that other dude and refused to let him out until he danced.

"WHOOO! SHAKE THAT SPARKLY ASS!"

The rest of the Cullens were strangely into it.

There's something to be said for watching vampires pole-dance.

_**Ok, that's it! Not my best, but you know.**_

_**You don't though, do you? I certainly don't.**_

_**Anyway, PLEASE tell me what you think! If any of you have written stories, then you know how much a review means to us! **_

_**Also, tell me if I should end it here or continue. I'll put up a poll as well, but tell me in a review! They make more sense to me ;)**_

_**Thank you all so much my lovelies.**_


	5. Message for my friends

Wow. Guys, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I did this. I ignored my account for so so long, which isn't fair to you guys and really just quite rude to leave you all hanging. I can't apologise enough.

I know it's no excuse but I haven't been uploading because I really haven't been that well. My parents split up and I started to do really bad in school and I fell out with a really close friend of mine and it put me on a downward spiral. I am so sorry!

But the good news is THIS IS THE PATHETIC FEEBLE EXCUSE NO. I'VE LOST COUNT BEFORE THE UPDATES!

YAY!


	6. It's general MADNESS

_This is for you__** RenesmeeCullenFan**__. You hang in there!_

_And for all my other darling reviewers- I LOVE YOU ALL. But I'm not a lesbian, so it's not in a creepy way. And if your a guy, it's still not in a creepy way...I PROMISE_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own The Vampire Diaries, Twilight, a cage, poles, leopard print thongs or a bubble making machine(do they have those? If so- HOW MUCH AND WHERE CAN I GET ONE?)**_

Elena sighed. This had not turned out the way she planned. No where in her mental agenda did she have pole-dancing OR glitter. She just couldn't deal with all this. The music, the cannabalism- she didn't even KNOW that a vampire could do that to another vampire. Bye-bye Alice.

Shortly (see what I did there? Cause Alice is short? Oh I crack myself up.) after Alice's demise, Jasper finally realized that his heart belonged to the Confederate Army and had wandered off to run for office. He had a lot of policies he wanted to bring in and was planning to use his epic vampireness to get there.

Rosalie on the other hand, was talking animatedly to herself in a cracked mirror. Carlisle and Esme had long since disappeared muttering about experiments and plastic surgery- they had taken the She-Edward with them.

Emmett had went AWOL but was believed to planning a rival run for office against Jasper.

Edward on the other hand...

Elena sighed again as she looked at the sparkling vampire (Damon had got hold of a tub of glitter) who was dancing to the current Top 20 in a leopard print thong. I mean why?

Elena rolled her eyes and picked up the phone. "Matt?"

"Elena?"

"Yeah, um, you were right. They got weird. I've decided to stick with my own species and since you are clearly obsessed and in love with me, I'd really appreciate it of you'd come pick me up and whisk me away to a life of paradise."

"Uh, Elena... I'm with Bonnie now and she can do scary things so I'm gonna have to say no..."

"Great! I'll meet you at the bottom of the drive!"

"Elena?"

"Oh oh errrrybody back up and don't get in the way of my swagger boi!" Damon screamed as he carried over a tray of shots. Like alcohol shots. Not... wait what? Never mind. Let us proceed.

"Oh oh my boi got his drinking head on!" Stefan crowed.

Edward stopped dancing for a minute, frowning. "Are you su-"

"SHUT UP YOU SPARKLING 108 YEAR OLD VIRGIN! DANCE!" Damon screamed rather emotionally. "GOD THESE PEOPLE! I JUST...I SWEAR STEFAN!"

"Shush big brother. It's alright. At least Plan A worked right? We didn't have to waste our missile launchers!"

Damon sniffed. "You're right, Steffy-boy," he stood up straight, a glass of rum and A negative in his hand, "We will soldier on! YAAAAH!"

"Thatta boy!"

Damon and Stefan clinked their glasses as the Mind-Rapist looked on, clearly relishing the undeniable scent of bromance.

"That's what I like to see, a little family harmony-"

"DANCE!"

"AAAAHH OK!"

Damon turned to Stefan.

"You know, we should have that Voldemort guy over for dinner sometime. It'd be brilliant!"

"Excellent idea Dai!"

"Wooooo! I'll get on it!" Damon dandered away with his rum and blood to look up the Dark Lord's number.

"Helloooo? Hello? Helloooooo?" Damon squealed into the phone.

"Yeeeeesssssssss?" hissed someone on the other end.

"Would I be able to speak to Lord Voldemort aka Tom Marvolo Riddle aka He Who Must Not Be Named aka the Dark Lord aka You Know Who?"

There was silence on the other end. Damon liked to think whoever it was was in awe of his research skills.

"Speaking."

"Hello, sir, this is Damon Salvatore-"

Suddenly a piercing scream sounded on the other end with the reciever being hurriedly thrown down.

"Hellooooooooooooooo?"

Well that was a no go, a sullen Damon thought as he walked dejectedly back to his little brother and hostage.

"STRIP, STRIP, STRIP," chanted Stefan poking Edward with a big stick.

Now stop that, you dirty minded peoples! A _wooden_ stick.

Pervs.

"Woah, woah, woah. What... what are you doing?" Damon asked, blowing his rape whislte the mind rapist.

"Getting him to strip."

"Er... why?"

"Don't you want him to?" Stefan was baffled.

"No, little brother. I do not play for that team."

"What?"

"What do you mean, what?" Damon rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe this.

"What teams?"

Damon stopped rolling his eyes for a bit. Stefan couldn't possibly mean... "Stefan, you know about...the..uh...birds and the bees right?"

"Birds have flappy wings."

"Oh God." He was going to have to give Stefan...THE TALK.

_**LOL, OK guys! What'cha think? Please review and let me know!**_

_**THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL. It may only be a one/two shot on Damon giving Stefan THE TALK, but make sure you have me alerted or whatever, so you'll know when it's up.**_

_**I love Military Weapons (the story, not the actual thing. Come on people. You think I'm trusted to cut my own meat at dinner, never mind a bazooka or tank?), so this is definietly not the end!**_

_**I LOVE YOU ALL!**_

_**HAPPY NEXT ELEVEN MONTHS COS I SORTA MISSED THE NEW YEAR!**_


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